Im a (not so young) aspiring chef working 2 jobs. Is there a mentality im just missing? Is there something I can do to help? I try to meditate and give myself positive affirmations but they only go so far. Sometimes it gets to a point with people that I think violet is the answer (which i know its not) I never follow through but its such a heavy anxiety on top of the 12 hour days, does anyone have some advice for me? I'm not asking for pity, I genuinely just need some advice.

Violets never the answer. 😅 Maybe jiu-jitsu isn't for you? You can always come back to it when you're not so stressed out, especially if it's not helping with the stress.

It's alot I maintain full mangment job of mechanical shop and coach two times week with wife and two kids, I'm very OCD and time is important so have balance it all with some time for family and your self so you do have that rest and good state of mind

For me I love it so everything gets in the way.

I work full time, have a part time job as a firefighter, and my son plays AAA hockey. I'm a regular at 3 gyms and I go to whichever gym has a class/openat during my free time. I roll 3-8 times a week plus Muay Thai and lifting when I can.

I used to stress about training (not training enough) and that made BJJ not fun for me, now I go when I can as often as I can and if I miss an entire week it is what it is.

If you're honest stressed to the point you wanna hurt someone, maybe seek professional help, do some talk therapy

I can relate to what you’re saying about the heavy anxiety and long days. For me, Jiu Jitsu has become my form of meditation, it’s the one place where I can drown out the noise of life and just focus on the moment. When I’m on the mat, the stress and pressure fade away because I’m fully present.

One thing I’ve learned, though, is that if I push too hard to force Jiu-Jitsu time into my schedule, it actually creates more stress instead of relieving it. The key has been keeping it as my sanctuary, a place to relax, reset, and let go. That mindset shift made a huge difference.

Maybe the takeaway is finding something that can be your “quiet place,” whether it’s Jiu-Jitsu, or another activity that lets you step away from the grind. And try to protect that space from becoming another obligation. It’s not about adding more pressure, it’s about giving yourself room to breathe.

Brother, I feel your struggle.
I've got 5 kids and an 11 hour a day job.
I can only train at 6am and only 3x a week.
If its ok, I'd like to give you a small suggestion for stress management.
Its going to sound weird and I'm sure you're going to think right away that there's no way its going to work, but its a suggestion I give my clients all the time.
Change your shoes when you change roles. Leave your stress with your shoes. Tell yourself you can just pick up where you left off.
That way your work stress doesn't contaminate your home. Hour home stress doesn't contaminate your dojo. Your dojo stress doesn't contaminate your work. and so on.
It might just work, and I hope this helps a little bit.

Welcome to my world 😂🤷‍♂️…
Full time job with shifts on the weekend often twice a month (12 days on, 2 days off, 12 days on….etc), father of 3, husband…you name it!

For me it’s all about teamwork and priorities.
I teach Jiu Jitsu quite late in the evening after duty 2 sessions a week and 1 session on Saturday mornings before late shift (on my shift weekends). So 3 sessions every week is my absolute maximum but very consistently.
The good thing of my small team is, we are really on a hobby/recreational level and if I have an important appointment or I can’t make it to class because of duty, some of my long time members, who are experienced purple belts or sometimes mature bluebelts with teaching experience (basics) and/or also have a official teaching license and experience (for example professional and certified DT/ PT instructor license like myself ), then cover the class if i really can’t make it.
But 90% of the time I make it and the mat and my team really is my „Happy land“, where I can be in the „here and now“ and where I can enjoy the time on the mat with nice people after a hard day at work….
Of course this all comes with a cost: our progress is way slower, we are consistently on the mats, but only on a very recreational level ….
My teammates know this, they know what they get and what not, most are also family guys who only make it 2-3 sessions a week. But if someone of the younger members really want more, like competing regularly or even want to switch to MMA, I advise them to train at more professional gyms or teams, who can cover more sessions a week or even teach add on classes like wrestling, MMA , etc….
For me personally it’s all about balance, juggling work, family commitments and Jiu Jitsu … with the help of my team luckily I found that balance 🙏🏻.
It’s important that you take time for yourself and really enjoy it, without having to stress out…. Better enjoy 2 sessions without stress or hurry instead of 5 sessions where you get stressed….
Same with training partners: if you don’t feel like rolling with a person, just say politely no….you don’t feel it today, etc….

If you really often suffer from stress, anxiety, anger or depression, it could be you have a kind of „stress disorder“, seak help from specialists/ therapists….. it’s no shame to get professional help!

For me, marrying someone who doesn't like or want kids, having a cushy home based office job with flexible work hours and a gym a 20 minute walk from my apartment really helps. 😅

Different Lifestyle and prerequisites … as long as everybody is happy…
But life is great, nobody ever said it would be easy😂

Lots of good advice here. I'll say this, I learned early in Jiu Jitsu career that I wasn't going to be able to train every day, or even as much as I wanted. Shift work and kids were/are the culprit. I was upset about it for a while, but I came to realize that there are priorities in life that (don't kill me) come before Jiu Jitsu. I do what I can, when I can, to make me less insane. Even though I can't get on the mats every day, I still exercise in some capacity so I don't go on a kill crazy rampage. I would suggest thinking about what your priorities are in life and work towards those if that's what will make you happy. The other stuff is just extra. Stay strong brother.

After 20+ years in martial arts all I can say that has worked for me is balance. I make time for my son, I make time for my wife, and my work.

Everyone is super cool with allowing me this passion and sometimes the only person who doesn't get enough time (downtime) is me. But I wouldn't have it any other way. My life is so much better, and I am so much a better person due to martial arts and training so I'll take a little less sleep, and not as much downtime to do what I do.

Like Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid said "Balance Daniel, Number 1, no balance, no karate, no life"